A message from GOD

Sometimes things just happen, people. Calm down. I don't know how many times in a day a bird defecates on a windshield, and I get all this, 'Is this a sign? What did I do wrong? Why did this happen to me?' Well I’ll tell you why it happened to you. A bird ate too much and relived himself in the sky, which was what your car was parked underneath. Every other flying creature does it -- even planes do it -- and you’d do it too if I gave you wings. I'm not just up here moving chess pieces around, trying to make your life miserable for my own amusement. Not all the time, at least. Can't things happen on accident, anymore? Does everything have to be connected to some spiritual/universal plan? Some things are without meaning or purpose. Sure, this comes easy with reality TV, but a little poo on your Honda and some how I'm responsible. I have other things to do. I don't have time to set up every little thing that happens down there.

Now when a bird poops on your shoulder, that's all me.

What if/Then Statement

What if one day chicken stopped tasting like chicken and started tasting like...I don't know...Boston Bake Beans? Then everything that used to taste like chicken would now have to taste like Boston Bake Beans. The old standby meat product would no longer be there to fall back on when backed into a "What does it taste like?" corner.

Chicken was easy. Everyone has had it, in one form or another, so it was easy to use it to describe a taste that was foreign. But I don't know how many people have had, and remembered the taste of, Boston Baked Beans. With all the different kinds out there (Sacramento Baked Beans, Carson City Baked Beans) it's very unlikely that the nation knows what you are talking about when you say it tastes like Boston born beans.

If this change happened it would cause a lot of problems and confusion, and it would also really suck because I don't even like beans, and I'd hate to think that everything would now taste like them.

You have to try this stool.

So I finally got that new stool everyone's been talking about. I was a little skeptical at first. I have tried stools before, and they have always rubbed me the wrong way, but so many people kept coming up to me saying, 'Have you gotten the stool yet? You have to try this stool. It's the most comfortable stool I have ever sat on,' that I had to give it a try. I was surprised, but it was just as impressive as the hype said it would be.

I can't tell you how nice it was to come home after a hard day and have this cushioned stool to relax on. Up until this point, I didn't associate stool with comfort. There are so many other things out there--couchs, recliners--and stool wasn't even on the list. But it's on it now, baby! The stool was so relaxing that I even fell asleep on it one night and was still on top of it when I woke up. I'm recommending this stool to anyone who has tried everything and found nothing. Everyone should have this experience. I'm almost tempted to carry my stool down the street and let strangers to stop and try it out.

I'm not sure where this stool design came from or how it is made, but the ingenuity that is put into each and every one of these stools is amazing--a true representation of comfort and craftsmanship. That's right, not only is it the most comfortable thing you'll every sit on, but it's also the most luxurious looking. Normally, you would hide your stools behind a bar, like you were embarrassed of them or something. This stool, however, is beautiful and sits proudly in my living room, so anyone who comes in will see and appreciate it.

I don't know what my life would have been like if I never got this stool, and I hope that after you're done reading this, you'll got out and get a stool of your own.

Zombie, I hardly knew thee.

You know what I love? Zombies. All kinds, too. Big ones, old ones, slow ones, fast ones. But what I love most about zombies are the unique and half-assed ways that they are brought into the world. It could be from a virus. It could be from a bite. It could be from a meteor or a neglected old kite. It could even be caused by overcrowding in hell. But whatever their cause, they always emerge as zombies. Sure, they might look a little different and move a little faster, but at the end of the day, shooting them in the face is still the best option.

What if a zombie bit another zombie? What happens when there are no humans left, only zombies? What if a zombie bit a cannibal? Mathematics tells us that a negative plus a negative is a positive, so then would that person become a vegetarian. These are all questions that need to be explored. Is becoming a zombie a choice or is it predetermined? It is apparent that a zombie can be created from anything and everything, so some might say that since there is no way of knowing how it could happen, there is no opportunity for a decision to be made. But when a single person takes on a mob of zombies or tries to keep an attacking zombie away by placing their hands over its mouth, to me, it shows that they are making the decision, either consciously or subconsciously, to switch to a cranial diet. The subject is really quite fascinating, and I won't be surprised to see zombie films get more political in the upcoming years.

Let's spice things up with a limerick.

The British food gave Mary cues,
To look for a toilet to use.
She thought she found the spot,
And got ready to squat,
On the floor of a store called “Lou’s.”

Filmmaking should be a Democratic Process

I love seeing behind-the-scenes footage and television promotions for films that have tanked at the point of their release--terrible films that have been panned by critics, and walked out of by moviegoers. Seeing the promotions later is like a glimpse into the past. I know something that none of these editors and directors and stunt coordinators know: all their work will be for nothing. What I always find amusing is that no one notices the impending doom of their project. They are on the cutting room floor--seeing things no one else sees--and no one notices the crappy signs. Maybe they do notice but are powerless to do anything about it, or maybe there is a crap cutoff and after a certain point all one can do is suck it up and hope they will get enough back to cover the caterer.

There needs to be more democracy in filmmaking. Everyone should have a voice and the right to say what they feel, for instance, "Almighty Ebert, people! This is going to be the worst movie ever made! Does anybody else see it? Are we going for a Razzie? What are we doing? What were they thinking? Is there anyway we can do to save this abysmal turd before we unleash its stink on humanity?"

On a completely unrelated subject, I saw "Ultraviolet" recently.

A New Direction in Movie Ratings

You know the disclaimers they now give for every movie rating: Rated R for intense nonstop graphic comic book violence, and offensive bodily humor. These taglines create a buzz--a sense of anticipation for a film that you know is going to have plenty of killing and farting. Now, I am waiting for the day that I sit down in a theater for the first ten minutes of commercials and previews and see:

"The following film is rated R for three minutes."

Or even.

"The following film is rated R for one word."

What a word that would be. If no one has thought of doing this yet, they should. It would be a great publicity tool. 'Come and see the word!' they'd advertise. An entire audience on the edge of their seats for an hour and eight minutes, waiting...waiting...and then...THERE IT IS, in all its glory.