Zombie, I hardly knew thee.

You know what I love? Zombies. All kinds, too. Big ones, old ones, slow ones, fast ones. But what I love most about zombies are the unique and half-assed ways that they are brought into the world. It could be from a virus. It could be from a bite. It could be from a meteor or a neglected old kite. It could even be caused by overcrowding in hell. But whatever their cause, they always emerge as zombies. Sure, they might look a little different and move a little faster, but at the end of the day, shooting them in the face is still the best option.

What if a zombie bit another zombie? What happens when there are no humans left, only zombies? What if a zombie bit a cannibal? Mathematics tells us that a negative plus a negative is a positive, so then would that person become a vegetarian. These are all questions that need to be explored. Is becoming a zombie a choice or is it predetermined? It is apparent that a zombie can be created from anything and everything, so some might say that since there is no way of knowing how it could happen, there is no opportunity for a decision to be made. But when a single person takes on a mob of zombies or tries to keep an attacking zombie away by placing their hands over its mouth, to me, it shows that they are making the decision, either consciously or subconsciously, to switch to a cranial diet. The subject is really quite fascinating, and I won't be surprised to see zombie films get more political in the upcoming years.

Let's spice things up with a limerick.

The British food gave Mary cues,
To look for a toilet to use.
She thought she found the spot,
And got ready to squat,
On the floor of a store called “Lou’s.”

Filmmaking should be a Democratic Process

I love seeing behind-the-scenes footage and television promotions for films that have tanked at the point of their release--terrible films that have been panned by critics, and walked out of by moviegoers. Seeing the promotions later is like a glimpse into the past. I know something that none of these editors and directors and stunt coordinators know: all their work will be for nothing. What I always find amusing is that no one notices the impending doom of their project. They are on the cutting room floor--seeing things no one else sees--and no one notices the crappy signs. Maybe they do notice but are powerless to do anything about it, or maybe there is a crap cutoff and after a certain point all one can do is suck it up and hope they will get enough back to cover the caterer.

There needs to be more democracy in filmmaking. Everyone should have a voice and the right to say what they feel, for instance, "Almighty Ebert, people! This is going to be the worst movie ever made! Does anybody else see it? Are we going for a Razzie? What are we doing? What were they thinking? Is there anyway we can do to save this abysmal turd before we unleash its stink on humanity?"

On a completely unrelated subject, I saw "Ultraviolet" recently.

A New Direction in Movie Ratings

You know the disclaimers they now give for every movie rating: Rated R for intense nonstop graphic comic book violence, and offensive bodily humor. These taglines create a buzz--a sense of anticipation for a film that you know is going to have plenty of killing and farting. Now, I am waiting for the day that I sit down in a theater for the first ten minutes of commercials and previews and see:

"The following film is rated R for three minutes."

Or even.

"The following film is rated R for one word."

What a word that would be. If no one has thought of doing this yet, they should. It would be a great publicity tool. 'Come and see the word!' they'd advertise. An entire audience on the edge of their seats for an hour and eight minutes, waiting...waiting...and then...THERE IT IS, in all its glory.

This just in. Madonna has an ass!

We get it Madonna. You have an ass. You know, most people have asses; they help us when we want to sit down. But just because you have one, doesn't mean we all want to see you rubbing your cheeks to a disco beat. Don't get me wrong, we are all happy that you have one. We know it's important to you, but I think it's time to pack it away in sweats and give us all a break. You got more miles out of it than most people do, and you should be proud of that. It's time to move on. It's called life, and it's something we must all come to turns with.

Robots, Androids & Cyborgs

So if a robot is a robot, and an android is a robot that looks like a human, and a cyborg is a robot mixed with a human, if a robot and an android had sex, would there child be a cyborg? Or if a cyborg and an android made love, would both their robotic codes rub off each other and create a robot? But would robots even be interested in engaging in sexual intercourse? Well I guess if they were programmed to, but if not, they're just a moving refrigerator. I'm not sure if these three types would even be attracted to one another. Is a waxed chassis or a v12 CPU drive, turn-ons?

Did I just spend an entire blog talking about robots having sex? Gees, I need help.

Holy Olympic Medals, Batman!

Why do the Olympic medals have holes in them? Is it supposed to symbolize something: freedom, unity, love? Or are the people behind the Olympics just going with the ring theme?

"Hey, you know our logo has a bunch of rings in it. Maybe our awards should look like rings, too."

I wonder if the medalists--when they're up on the podium, hearing a national anthem play--feel gypped when they look down. Do they wonder, "Where's the rest of my medal? Why am I wearing an 'O' around my neck?" Wait a minute. "O"...Olympics. "O"...Olympics. Olympics begins with an "O"! Now I get it. They're abbreviated symbols. I guess that's okay then, but it still seems funny if you ask me.

"Congratulations. You are the world's best figure skater. Here, have a golden donut."