This just in. Madonna has an ass!

We get it Madonna. You have an ass. You know, most people have asses; they help us when we want to sit down. But just because you have one, doesn't mean we all want to see you rubbing your cheeks to a disco beat. Don't get me wrong, we are all happy that you have one. We know it's important to you, but I think it's time to pack it away in sweats and give us all a break. You got more miles out of it than most people do, and you should be proud of that. It's time to move on. It's called life, and it's something we must all come to turns with.

Robots, Androids & Cyborgs

So if a robot is a robot, and an android is a robot that looks like a human, and a cyborg is a robot mixed with a human, if a robot and an android had sex, would there child be a cyborg? Or if a cyborg and an android made love, would both their robotic codes rub off each other and create a robot? But would robots even be interested in engaging in sexual intercourse? Well I guess if they were programmed to, but if not, they're just a moving refrigerator. I'm not sure if these three types would even be attracted to one another. Is a waxed chassis or a v12 CPU drive, turn-ons?

Did I just spend an entire blog talking about robots having sex? Gees, I need help.

Holy Olympic Medals, Batman!

Why do the Olympic medals have holes in them? Is it supposed to symbolize something: freedom, unity, love? Or are the people behind the Olympics just going with the ring theme?

"Hey, you know our logo has a bunch of rings in it. Maybe our awards should look like rings, too."

I wonder if the medalists--when they're up on the podium, hearing a national anthem play--feel gypped when they look down. Do they wonder, "Where's the rest of my medal? Why am I wearing an 'O' around my neck?" Wait a minute. "O"...Olympics. "O"...Olympics. Olympics begins with an "O"! Now I get it. They're abbreviated symbols. I guess that's okay then, but it still seems funny if you ask me.

"Congratulations. You are the world's best figure skater. Here, have a golden donut."

Network Realities

I love world broadcast premieres because it's my chance to see movies that came out seven years ago, played on smaller screen with commercial interruptions every fifteen minutes. Are television networks that far behind, or is it because each network exists in its own reality and is incapable of seeing outside of itself? In one reality, they think celebrities should be ballroom dancing, while in another, they assume they should be figure skating. Another reality has a woman who dreams about dead people, solving crimes, while another reality has a woman who talks to ghosts, solving mysteries.

Networks must travel outside themselves and see what other realities are up to. They might find their ideas are not as unique as they once thought. Maybe they would also see that a television premiere loses its zip, if its theatrical premiere was in another century.

Seriously, are you kidding me?

What once was a movie, and then was a television movie, is now a movie again. "Poseidon" is back, and it's offering more excitement and upside-down action than ever before. The 1972 film had Gene Hackman and was the first of its kind, but the effects weren't that convincing, and it also had Ernest Borgnine. This new trailer I saw during the Super Bowl has Kurt Russell, and you'll never guess what else. It also has—Are you ready for this?—computer-generated effects. Pretty awesome, huh? After two tries, it seems three's a charm. We finally have the technology to make a cruise liner believably turn upside-down. Hooray! First another "Final Destination" and now this. What a great year this is turning out to be.

Phew! Sorry, I had to give my sarcasm a break. It can only go for so long.

The Slow, the Ugly, and the Gay

The movie "Brokeback Mountain" has broken down many walls, but it also seems it has put up new ones. I have seen and heard many people use the movie's title as a way to make fun of or put down others. If "gay" was not appropriate, somehow "Brokeback Mountain" is.

"I don't know, it sounds a little 'Brokeback Mountain' to me."

"You're not going 'Brokeback Mountain' on me, are you?"

Despite this word play, "Brokeback" seems to be the new "ugly," after seeing this year's Oscar nominations.

First, there was the trend of being mentally challenged, then there was the trend of looking ugly, and now the trend is homosexuality. Based on these trends--mental, physical, mental--the next one would have to be physical. Maybe eye-patches or blindness will be next. How 'bout those with one leg shorter than the other. Yeah, that would be good. Get Tom Hanks on the line. I'm ready to pitch.