The Old Woman in the 21st Century

There was an old woman who lived in a trailer,
She had so many children due to an amorous sailor.
She didn’t have a job, which never meant despair.
They were able to survive on her welfare.

Another message from GOD

I’ve been hearing a lot of this, ‘Which came first, the chicken or the egg?’ and to be perfectly honest, the answer is neither. Before the chicken, or the egg, I tried “The Nugget.” The Nugget was a wad of bones, organs, and flesh that would expand and grow into a chick. When the chick became a chicken, she would squat down and squirt out another Nugget, which would evolve into another chick. I got the idea from seeing that “Gremlins” movie. Gotta love that Phoebe Cates. Phew…Sorry—back to the Nugget. I thought it was a good first try, but the development took too long and, frankly, was a bit too disgusting for my taste. I eventually settled on chickens coming from eggs, and I think it was the right decision. I was happy to get the opportunity to use the Nugget concept, again; though I had to tweak it slightly and have it come with a variety of dipping sauces. “Spicy Barbeque” is my favorite.

Just a thought.

Poetry is like abstract art.
Sometimes it's hard to see why it's any good.

Terrorists or snakes, which would you choose?

There are two huge airplane movies coming out this year. One is "United 93" -- the true story of the one plane that fought back during the 9/11 tragedy -- and the other is "Snakes on a Plane" -- the true depiction of what it would be like to be on a plane with a bunch of snakes. Personally, I am more interested in the one about snakes taking over a plane than terrorists, not because I don't think they are the bigger threat, but because I am curious as to how a situation like that would be handled. You can't just lift your legs off the floor and continue eating your complimentary nuts. These snakes are coming out of everywhere. Want to check the overhead compartment. Look out, there's a bunch of snakes! Want to get your oxygen mask. Oh no, more snakes! They’re everywhere, and there are all kinds too. Big ones, small ones, but all are deadly, because if you're going to go through the trouble of smuggling aboard a barrel of snakes, you don't want them being garden snakes.

Terrorism is bad; I'm reminded of it everyday, because, apparently, if I go without a daily reminder, I'll think it's good again, and then the terrorists will win. All kinds of measures have been taken to ride the planes of terror. Take out your metallic objects. Take off your shoes. Turn and cough. But snakes! What are we doing to prevent snakes from getting on a plane! My god, there is no protection against them. Their not metallic, and they can easily be pawned off as other things if their stashed in someone's pants. We are leaving ourselves completely vulnerable, and I doubt that there are any solutions once in flight. This movie, which also has Samuel L. Jackson (an added plus), will make the country aware of this potential crisis and implement the necessary safety requirements, because right now, I am completely clueless as to what to do in a snake-related emergency. I would probably use my seat as a floatation device and -- Oh no! More snakes!

A message from GOD

Sometimes things just happen, people. Calm down. I don't know how many times in a day a bird defecates on a windshield, and I get all this, 'Is this a sign? What did I do wrong? Why did this happen to me?' Well I’ll tell you why it happened to you. A bird ate too much and relived himself in the sky, which was what your car was parked underneath. Every other flying creature does it -- even planes do it -- and you’d do it too if I gave you wings. I'm not just up here moving chess pieces around, trying to make your life miserable for my own amusement. Not all the time, at least. Can't things happen on accident, anymore? Does everything have to be connected to some spiritual/universal plan? Some things are without meaning or purpose. Sure, this comes easy with reality TV, but a little poo on your Honda and some how I'm responsible. I have other things to do. I don't have time to set up every little thing that happens down there.

Now when a bird poops on your shoulder, that's all me.

What if/Then Statement

What if one day chicken stopped tasting like chicken and started tasting like...I don't know...Boston Bake Beans? Then everything that used to taste like chicken would now have to taste like Boston Bake Beans. The old standby meat product would no longer be there to fall back on when backed into a "What does it taste like?" corner.

Chicken was easy. Everyone has had it, in one form or another, so it was easy to use it to describe a taste that was foreign. But I don't know how many people have had, and remembered the taste of, Boston Baked Beans. With all the different kinds out there (Sacramento Baked Beans, Carson City Baked Beans) it's very unlikely that the nation knows what you are talking about when you say it tastes like Boston born beans.

If this change happened it would cause a lot of problems and confusion, and it would also really suck because I don't even like beans, and I'd hate to think that everything would now taste like them.

You have to try this stool.

So I finally got that new stool everyone's been talking about. I was a little skeptical at first. I have tried stools before, and they have always rubbed me the wrong way, but so many people kept coming up to me saying, 'Have you gotten the stool yet? You have to try this stool. It's the most comfortable stool I have ever sat on,' that I had to give it a try. I was surprised, but it was just as impressive as the hype said it would be.

I can't tell you how nice it was to come home after a hard day and have this cushioned stool to relax on. Up until this point, I didn't associate stool with comfort. There are so many other things out there--couchs, recliners--and stool wasn't even on the list. But it's on it now, baby! The stool was so relaxing that I even fell asleep on it one night and was still on top of it when I woke up. I'm recommending this stool to anyone who has tried everything and found nothing. Everyone should have this experience. I'm almost tempted to carry my stool down the street and let strangers to stop and try it out.

I'm not sure where this stool design came from or how it is made, but the ingenuity that is put into each and every one of these stools is amazing--a true representation of comfort and craftsmanship. That's right, not only is it the most comfortable thing you'll every sit on, but it's also the most luxurious looking. Normally, you would hide your stools behind a bar, like you were embarrassed of them or something. This stool, however, is beautiful and sits proudly in my living room, so anyone who comes in will see and appreciate it.

I don't know what my life would have been like if I never got this stool, and I hope that after you're done reading this, you'll got out and get a stool of your own.