The Blog is Back!

This Blog was conceived earlier this year, far before the Rude Lightning website was up and striking; that is why the last entry was made in May. After finishing other priorities and overcoming a nasty bout of laziness, the Rude Lightning Blog is back! Feel free to look back on the entries of the past and reminisce on those pop culture events, and continued to check back for brand new, E. coli-free entries.

I get 500 bucks per kid?! Sweet!

As this is my last week of college before graduation, it is only right to look back on what got me here...the beloved board game "LIFE". What I thought was just a mild-mannered children's game was a guide to life in disguise. Honestly, I shouldn't have been that surprised. If "Risk" taught the risks of declaring war on family members, and "Chutes and Ladders" taught the perils of climbing the corporate ladder, then of course LIFE would teach how to retire as a millionaire.

I went to college because you get more money and more choices when you have to choose a career card, but now that that's over with, I must travel over a mountain, maybe win the lottery along the way, pick up a pink peg, and then I'm off at a pace no greater than ten spaces at a time. Through past mistakes, it would be wise to pick up both kinds of insurance, and not get too crazy with the stock market. Hopefully, I'll pick up a few kids. Maybe even twins; their double the money. Once the minivan is full, it's over the white bridge where all the effort and time will decide if I'll be living the victorious life as a millionaire or spending my remaining years thinking about where it all went wrong in the retirement home. Of course I hope for the mansion. No one wants to lose, but I must remember that this game is not about finishing first, and in the end, it all comes down to the luck of the dice.

(I know LIFE doesn't use dice, but it sounded better, didn't it?)

The Old Woman in the 21st Century

There was an old woman who lived in a trailer,
She had so many children due to an amorous sailor.
She didn’t have a job, which never meant despair.
They were able to survive on her welfare.

Another message from GOD

I’ve been hearing a lot of this, ‘Which came first, the chicken or the egg?’ and to be perfectly honest, the answer is neither. Before the chicken, or the egg, I tried “The Nugget.” The Nugget was a wad of bones, organs, and flesh that would expand and grow into a chick. When the chick became a chicken, she would squat down and squirt out another Nugget, which would evolve into another chick. I got the idea from seeing that “Gremlins” movie. Gotta love that Phoebe Cates. Phew…Sorry—back to the Nugget. I thought it was a good first try, but the development took too long and, frankly, was a bit too disgusting for my taste. I eventually settled on chickens coming from eggs, and I think it was the right decision. I was happy to get the opportunity to use the Nugget concept, again; though I had to tweak it slightly and have it come with a variety of dipping sauces. “Spicy Barbeque” is my favorite.

Just a thought.

Poetry is like abstract art.
Sometimes it's hard to see why it's any good.

Terrorists or snakes, which would you choose?

There are two huge airplane movies coming out this year. One is "United 93" -- the true story of the one plane that fought back during the 9/11 tragedy -- and the other is "Snakes on a Plane" -- the true depiction of what it would be like to be on a plane with a bunch of snakes. Personally, I am more interested in the one about snakes taking over a plane than terrorists, not because I don't think they are the bigger threat, but because I am curious as to how a situation like that would be handled. You can't just lift your legs off the floor and continue eating your complimentary nuts. These snakes are coming out of everywhere. Want to check the overhead compartment. Look out, there's a bunch of snakes! Want to get your oxygen mask. Oh no, more snakes! They’re everywhere, and there are all kinds too. Big ones, small ones, but all are deadly, because if you're going to go through the trouble of smuggling aboard a barrel of snakes, you don't want them being garden snakes.

Terrorism is bad; I'm reminded of it everyday, because, apparently, if I go without a daily reminder, I'll think it's good again, and then the terrorists will win. All kinds of measures have been taken to ride the planes of terror. Take out your metallic objects. Take off your shoes. Turn and cough. But snakes! What are we doing to prevent snakes from getting on a plane! My god, there is no protection against them. Their not metallic, and they can easily be pawned off as other things if their stashed in someone's pants. We are leaving ourselves completely vulnerable, and I doubt that there are any solutions once in flight. This movie, which also has Samuel L. Jackson (an added plus), will make the country aware of this potential crisis and implement the necessary safety requirements, because right now, I am completely clueless as to what to do in a snake-related emergency. I would probably use my seat as a floatation device and -- Oh no! More snakes!

A message from GOD

Sometimes things just happen, people. Calm down. I don't know how many times in a day a bird defecates on a windshield, and I get all this, 'Is this a sign? What did I do wrong? Why did this happen to me?' Well I’ll tell you why it happened to you. A bird ate too much and relived himself in the sky, which was what your car was parked underneath. Every other flying creature does it -- even planes do it -- and you’d do it too if I gave you wings. I'm not just up here moving chess pieces around, trying to make your life miserable for my own amusement. Not all the time, at least. Can't things happen on accident, anymore? Does everything have to be connected to some spiritual/universal plan? Some things are without meaning or purpose. Sure, this comes easy with reality TV, but a little poo on your Honda and some how I'm responsible. I have other things to do. I don't have time to set up every little thing that happens down there.

Now when a bird poops on your shoulder, that's all me.

What if/Then Statement

What if one day chicken stopped tasting like chicken and started tasting like...I don't know...Boston Bake Beans? Then everything that used to taste like chicken would now have to taste like Boston Bake Beans. The old standby meat product would no longer be there to fall back on when backed into a "What does it taste like?" corner.

Chicken was easy. Everyone has had it, in one form or another, so it was easy to use it to describe a taste that was foreign. But I don't know how many people have had, and remembered the taste of, Boston Baked Beans. With all the different kinds out there (Sacramento Baked Beans, Carson City Baked Beans) it's very unlikely that the nation knows what you are talking about when you say it tastes like Boston born beans.

If this change happened it would cause a lot of problems and confusion, and it would also really suck because I don't even like beans, and I'd hate to think that everything would now taste like them.

You have to try this stool.

So I finally got that new stool everyone's been talking about. I was a little skeptical at first. I have tried stools before, and they have always rubbed me the wrong way, but so many people kept coming up to me saying, 'Have you gotten the stool yet? You have to try this stool. It's the most comfortable stool I have ever sat on,' that I had to give it a try. I was surprised, but it was just as impressive as the hype said it would be.

I can't tell you how nice it was to come home after a hard day and have this cushioned stool to relax on. Up until this point, I didn't associate stool with comfort. There are so many other things out there--couchs, recliners--and stool wasn't even on the list. But it's on it now, baby! The stool was so relaxing that I even fell asleep on it one night and was still on top of it when I woke up. I'm recommending this stool to anyone who has tried everything and found nothing. Everyone should have this experience. I'm almost tempted to carry my stool down the street and let strangers to stop and try it out.

I'm not sure where this stool design came from or how it is made, but the ingenuity that is put into each and every one of these stools is amazing--a true representation of comfort and craftsmanship. That's right, not only is it the most comfortable thing you'll every sit on, but it's also the most luxurious looking. Normally, you would hide your stools behind a bar, like you were embarrassed of them or something. This stool, however, is beautiful and sits proudly in my living room, so anyone who comes in will see and appreciate it.

I don't know what my life would have been like if I never got this stool, and I hope that after you're done reading this, you'll got out and get a stool of your own.

Zombie, I hardly knew thee.

You know what I love? Zombies. All kinds, too. Big ones, old ones, slow ones, fast ones. But what I love most about zombies are the unique and half-assed ways that they are brought into the world. It could be from a virus. It could be from a bite. It could be from a meteor or a neglected old kite. It could even be caused by overcrowding in hell. But whatever their cause, they always emerge as zombies. Sure, they might look a little different and move a little faster, but at the end of the day, shooting them in the face is still the best option.

What if a zombie bit another zombie? What happens when there are no humans left, only zombies? What if a zombie bit a cannibal? Mathematics tells us that a negative plus a negative is a positive, so then would that person become a vegetarian. These are all questions that need to be explored. Is becoming a zombie a choice or is it predetermined? It is apparent that a zombie can be created from anything and everything, so some might say that since there is no way of knowing how it could happen, there is no opportunity for a decision to be made. But when a single person takes on a mob of zombies or tries to keep an attacking zombie away by placing their hands over its mouth, to me, it shows that they are making the decision, either consciously or subconsciously, to switch to a cranial diet. The subject is really quite fascinating, and I won't be surprised to see zombie films get more political in the upcoming years.

Let's spice things up with a limerick.

The British food gave Mary cues,
To look for a toilet to use.
She thought she found the spot,
And got ready to squat,
On the floor of a store called “Lou’s.”

Filmmaking should be a Democratic Process

I love seeing behind-the-scenes footage and television promotions for films that have tanked at the point of their release--terrible films that have been panned by critics, and walked out of by moviegoers. Seeing the promotions later is like a glimpse into the past. I know something that none of these editors and directors and stunt coordinators know: all their work will be for nothing. What I always find amusing is that no one notices the impending doom of their project. They are on the cutting room floor--seeing things no one else sees--and no one notices the crappy signs. Maybe they do notice but are powerless to do anything about it, or maybe there is a crap cutoff and after a certain point all one can do is suck it up and hope they will get enough back to cover the caterer.

There needs to be more democracy in filmmaking. Everyone should have a voice and the right to say what they feel, for instance, "Almighty Ebert, people! This is going to be the worst movie ever made! Does anybody else see it? Are we going for a Razzie? What are we doing? What were they thinking? Is there anyway we can do to save this abysmal turd before we unleash its stink on humanity?"

On a completely unrelated subject, I saw "Ultraviolet" recently.

A New Direction in Movie Ratings

You know the disclaimers they now give for every movie rating: Rated R for intense nonstop graphic comic book violence, and offensive bodily humor. These taglines create a buzz--a sense of anticipation for a film that you know is going to have plenty of killing and farting. Now, I am waiting for the day that I sit down in a theater for the first ten minutes of commercials and previews and see:

"The following film is rated R for three minutes."

Or even.

"The following film is rated R for one word."

What a word that would be. If no one has thought of doing this yet, they should. It would be a great publicity tool. 'Come and see the word!' they'd advertise. An entire audience on the edge of their seats for an hour and eight minutes, waiting...waiting...and then...THERE IT IS, in all its glory.

This just in. Madonna has an ass!

We get it Madonna. You have an ass. You know, most people have asses; they help us when we want to sit down. But just because you have one, doesn't mean we all want to see you rubbing your cheeks to a disco beat. Don't get me wrong, we are all happy that you have one. We know it's important to you, but I think it's time to pack it away in sweats and give us all a break. You got more miles out of it than most people do, and you should be proud of that. It's time to move on. It's called life, and it's something we must all come to turns with.

Robots, Androids & Cyborgs

So if a robot is a robot, and an android is a robot that looks like a human, and a cyborg is a robot mixed with a human, if a robot and an android had sex, would there child be a cyborg? Or if a cyborg and an android made love, would both their robotic codes rub off each other and create a robot? But would robots even be interested in engaging in sexual intercourse? Well I guess if they were programmed to, but if not, they're just a moving refrigerator. I'm not sure if these three types would even be attracted to one another. Is a waxed chassis or a v12 CPU drive, turn-ons?

Did I just spend an entire blog talking about robots having sex? Gees, I need help.

Holy Olympic Medals, Batman!

Why do the Olympic medals have holes in them? Is it supposed to symbolize something: freedom, unity, love? Or are the people behind the Olympics just going with the ring theme?

"Hey, you know our logo has a bunch of rings in it. Maybe our awards should look like rings, too."

I wonder if the medalists--when they're up on the podium, hearing a national anthem play--feel gypped when they look down. Do they wonder, "Where's the rest of my medal? Why am I wearing an 'O' around my neck?" Wait a minute. "O"...Olympics. "O"...Olympics. Olympics begins with an "O"! Now I get it. They're abbreviated symbols. I guess that's okay then, but it still seems funny if you ask me.

"Congratulations. You are the world's best figure skater. Here, have a golden donut."

Network Realities

I love world broadcast premieres because it's my chance to see movies that came out seven years ago, played on smaller screen with commercial interruptions every fifteen minutes. Are television networks that far behind, or is it because each network exists in its own reality and is incapable of seeing outside of itself? In one reality, they think celebrities should be ballroom dancing, while in another, they assume they should be figure skating. Another reality has a woman who dreams about dead people, solving crimes, while another reality has a woman who talks to ghosts, solving mysteries.

Networks must travel outside themselves and see what other realities are up to. They might find their ideas are not as unique as they once thought. Maybe they would also see that a television premiere loses its zip, if its theatrical premiere was in another century.

Seriously, are you kidding me?

What once was a movie, and then was a television movie, is now a movie again. "Poseidon" is back, and it's offering more excitement and upside-down action than ever before. The 1972 film had Gene Hackman and was the first of its kind, but the effects weren't that convincing, and it also had Ernest Borgnine. This new trailer I saw during the Super Bowl has Kurt Russell, and you'll never guess what else. It also has—Are you ready for this?—computer-generated effects. Pretty awesome, huh? After two tries, it seems three's a charm. We finally have the technology to make a cruise liner believably turn upside-down. Hooray! First another "Final Destination" and now this. What a great year this is turning out to be.

Phew! Sorry, I had to give my sarcasm a break. It can only go for so long.

The Slow, the Ugly, and the Gay

The movie "Brokeback Mountain" has broken down many walls, but it also seems it has put up new ones. I have seen and heard many people use the movie's title as a way to make fun of or put down others. If "gay" was not appropriate, somehow "Brokeback Mountain" is.

"I don't know, it sounds a little 'Brokeback Mountain' to me."

"You're not going 'Brokeback Mountain' on me, are you?"

Despite this word play, "Brokeback" seems to be the new "ugly," after seeing this year's Oscar nominations.

First, there was the trend of being mentally challenged, then there was the trend of looking ugly, and now the trend is homosexuality. Based on these trends--mental, physical, mental--the next one would have to be physical. Maybe eye-patches or blindness will be next. How 'bout those with one leg shorter than the other. Yeah, that would be good. Get Tom Hanks on the line. I'm ready to pitch.

What to do with the body.

If I could choose how I wanted my body prepared for the afterlife, I would not choose cremation or mummification, but rather exploitation. My body would go to a taxidermy, where I would be laminated into a pose that was half “Mentos” commercial and half Fonzie “Aaay!” I would be dressed like Neo from the second Matrix and have a “Ghostbusters” proton-pack on my back and a neuralyzer in my hand. Next to the Geek Adonis would be a panel with three buttons—each one would play a recording of the three phrases I used most in life:

Button 1— “Hello.”
Button 2— “I’m fine, and you?”
Button 3— “What the!”

As for my organs and insides and stuff, they would be the second stunt contestants would have to eat on “Fear Factor.” I’m not sure yet if I would want them to eat me raw or mixed into a shake; all I know is they would have ten minutes to do it. That episode would play on a continuous loop on a television next to my body.

These are my final wishes, and though I don’t plan to be going anywhere soon, I just hope “Fear Factor” is still around when I do.

Finally, "Final Destination" is a trilogy!

Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap! "Final Destination" will soon be a trilogy—joining such classics as "Lord of the Rings" and "Indian Jones." Of course, the movie doesn’t come out for another month (so there’s still time to get supplies together, if you’re going to camp out) but I saw the trailer today, and my life finally has meaning. Okay—okay—I have to calm down. It's just so exciting. So there’s this one part when the pretty teenagers are on a rollercoaster and then Death intervenes, because they’re too pretty or something. Then there’s this other part when the pretty people are getting tans, and Death intervenes there, as well. You wouldn’t think Death would be caught in a tanning parlor, but that’s Death for ya—tricky, tricky, tricky.

If I was Death, I probably wouldn’t be as creative. Having someone kick a soccer ball, which knocks over a bucket of napalm, which knocks over a row of dominos, which snaps a mouse trap, which launches a piece of cheese over a candle, which lights the cheese on fire, which lands on the napalm and burns the person alive seems like too much work for me. I would be much more conventional: "You get a heart attack! And you get a heart attack!" Everyone getting heart attacks would be too boring and unrealistic. Fortunately, Final Destination has the Rube Goldberg of Deaths.

I can only hope "Fast and the Furious," "Deuce Bigalow," and "Charlie's Angels" will follow Final Destination's unnecessary lead and keep making sequels without the approval of the critics, the box-office, or the public.

Where have all the old, dirty vampires gone?

Vampire movies look more like episodes of "The OC," minus all the tans. They've traded in their Bram Stoker's for WB's. They're more like exclusive clubs, and only the cool may enter:

"I'm sorry, you're just not hot enough for an eternity of damnation."

You can't turn someone away solely based on age or appearance. That’s called "discrimination," and they could take you to court for it. I remember a time when there was no discrimination. Where every man, woman, and child had an equal opportunity of becoming slaves to Satan. Sadly, that time is long gone. Aside from the simple fact of discrimination, is it smart to make vampires look so cool?

Do we want our children growing up to be like vampires? When the creatures were old and hideous this wasn't a problem, but now that they're all attractive and well-dressed, what’s to stop our young people from wanting to be just like them? We are endangering children’s impressionable minds, and it must be stopped. Bring back Lucifer's geriatrics, and leave it to the actors, models, and professional athletes to shape our children's brains.

Flippin' the Ad Bird

Sadly, I was watching "American Idol" a couple nights ago and witnessed the most ingenious self-promotion trick I’ve ever seen. After several contestants were ridiculed for being terrible singers/dressers/human beings, they exited their audition determined to let everyone know how they felt with four-letter words and middle fingers. Ordinarily, blurs or black bars would have been used, but the masterminds behind the show placed a miniature "American Idol" logo over every vulgar mouth and obscene gesture. To the home audience, it went something like this:

"Those 'American Idol' judges, saying I can't sing! Who the 'American Idol' do they think they are?! 'American Idol!' 'America Idol!' 'American Idol!' 'American Idol' you, Simon! 'American Idol' you all! You 'American Idol' 'American Idol's!' Go 'American Idol' yourself!"

This is a revolutionary advertising concept. Every middle finger and curse word is a mini billboard. It’s cheap, easy, and anyone pissed off can do it. I hope other shows will jump on the obscene bandwagon. SpongeBob will get a tad more adult, and talk show guests will be instructed to tell Jay Leno how they really feel. What a golden age of television that will be, when people will be able to express themselves freely, for marketable gain.